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The Eastern Advocate


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The Eastern Advocate

As Australian Tertiary Admission Ranks (ATAR) were released to students around the state this week, many students were pleased with their results. University aspirants were left thrilled with the news that they had a high enough mark to get them into their preferred course, whilst many were happy to just have it all over and done with. However there were also a high percentage of students who were somewhat dissatisfied with the marks they were given.

18 year old student, Byron Bae, was not among those that were happy with their results. Mr Bae told Eastern Advocate reporters that he couldn’t give less of a shit about Year 12, and that all he wanted to do in life was go on Masterchef, preferably once George Calombaris has retired. “The ATAR is so dumb man, like it sounds like Atari, which is like a video game hey. That pretty much sums it up aye bruz, bullshit teachers and government and what not.”

When pressed further on his views on the issue, Mr Bae stated that he didn’t really take notice of what his ATAR was, but he was pretty sure it wasn’t going to have much impact on the rest of his life. “The ATAR doesn’t even matter, it’s just a number. It’s like giving people a label, like we’re not in prison are we. Bloody bullshit this Fomo or ScoMo bloke needs to take a good hard look at the education system.” Eastern Advocate believes Mr Bae was referring to current Australian Prime Minister Scott Morrison.

Mr Bae’s mother, Botany, said that she was pleased with her son’s efforts throughout the year, explaining to EA reporters that her boy was a ray of sunshine in her otherwise miserable life. “I won $2 on a scratchie earlier in the year, but apart from that it’s been a pretty quiet 2018. Byron has made me so proud. His 35 ATAR is the highest anybody in my family has ever achieved. His older brothers Jervis and Nelson both got mystery marks.” Mrs Bae attributed her son’s (relative) success to the resources shared on the infamous HSC discussion group chat. “All those memes, inappropriate polls represented through emoticons and a complete facilitator of procrastination for those people who write subtitles on the Hitler movie and think they’re funny. All of this on the HSC discussion group chat was instrumental in ensuring Byron’s success.”

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