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In a shocking turn of events for Bathurst residents, the ever-popular ISPA store has revealed on its Facebook page that its menu will now be completely vegan.

When asked what substitute meat ISPA would be using for their chicken, lamb and halal kebab options, ISPA simply looked quizzically at us. “No meat substitute,” they said. “More lettuce.” While some vegans in the community are pleased with the initiative, others are upset that their favourite late-night restaurant after a big night on the town has altered their cuisine to such an extent. Local party animal Jim Been told Eastern Advocate reporters, “It’s just a disgrace. Where am I going to get sustenance after a big night at the Ox now? I can’t eat any of this vegan grass crap.”

In addition to making the menu vegan-friendly, ISPA have also decided to cater for gluten-free customers. Unfortunately, since all their wraps contain gluten, and it is too expensive to source gluten-free Lebanese bread, this means that ISPA will no longer be serving wraps either. Confused, we asked ISPA what this meant people could buy. “Just lettuce,” they said. “Oh, and tomato as well. And we still have sauce.”

There are also rumours that ISPA will begin taking a stand at the herbicides industry next week by boycotting the use of lettuce in their stores, and will strike back at Donald Trump’s export tariffs on tomatoes by banning them as well. However, they still have a wide range of popular sauces to choose from, so get down to ISPA Kebab and treat yourself to sauce on a napkin.

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