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The Eastern Advocate


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The Eastern Advocate

Due to their largely inept navigational skills, lack of geographical knowledge of Sydney and unwillingness to use large amounts of cellular data, country-goers visiting the city have ditched the use of Google Maps in favour of the Crows Nest Woolworths. The building is a beacon for lost tourists in the Sydney region, and due to its flamboyant architecture is a significant navigational tool for those wandering in the CBD and its surrounding suburbs.

The Australasian sector of the Google Maps team has been reprimanded for losing significant web traffic to the Crows Nest Woolworths. Although the building can reportedly be seen from space, the Google Maps team have erased it and it is no longer searchable in any Google browsers. The Eastern Advocate managed to obtain a comment from Google’s founder Larry Page: “All I can say is Steve Jobs never had to put up with any of this shit.”

The specific shades on the coloured panels of the Crows Nest Woolies are also being utilised for ascertaining the time, which has led to outrage from watch-suppliers around the region. The panels shift in colour at certain times of the day, and country visitors to Sydney such as Mrs Glenys Glen have now mastered the use of the building to such an extent that she can determine the time accurate to within thirty seconds just by looking at it. Mr Tim Ekeeper, who runs the Tag-Heur department store in George St, told of his outrage at losing business in an exclusive interview with the Eastern Advocate, “This bloody building has halved my sales in the last week. How am I expected to sell my overpriced watches when there’s a building doing the job instead? Crows Nest Woolies can go to hell as far as I’m concerned. The government should subsidise a Coles building in the region instead.”

Indeed, a senior editor of the Eastern Advocate has been observed using the Woolies as a destination for his first Uber ride. One Sydney resident, Clare Guthleben, exclaimed their disbelief at the editor’s attachment to the building, and the fact that he had never used an Uber before. “It’s absolutely shocking is what it is. Next he’ll be telling me he’s never seen Spongebob.”

Regardless of its economic and social consequences, it is clear that Bathurstians and other visitors to the city will continue to utilise the fondly-referred to ‘Crowie Woolies’ when navigating Sydney.

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