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The Eastern Advocate

Popular fast food chain, McDonald’s, has announced that all soft serve ice-cream machines will be broken before summer begins, just so we can all experience a typical Australian summer once again. The controversial decision is set to cause uproar amongst all Australians, but it has become glaringly obvious that McDonald’s doesn’t give a shit.

Many people are beginning to question why they even have a soft serve machine, but a McDonald’s spokesperson was able to clear up the confusion for us. “We have the machines running perfectly through winter but they are programmed to be cut off around late November, just in time for the beginning of the summer months. If they are still working by December, we have a team member travel around with a sledgehammer to destroy the remaining operational machines.”

Ryan Cheng, the designated sledgehammer guy, said he had no idea why McDonald’s was making him do this, but they have his goldfish Abraham held at gunpoint. “I’ll do whatever they want me to do. All I want is Abraham back safe and sound. He’s my whole world.”

We wish Ryan and Abraham all the best, and hope for a peaceful ending for this state of affairs which has somehow become a hostage situation.

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