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The Eastern Advocate

Following claims of false advertising, the Eastern Advocate has conducted a thorough investigation into Bathurst’s train service, ‘The Bathurst Bullet.’

The ‘Bullet’, or as some locals fondly refer to it, ‘that bloody train that leaves before the iSpy coffee van gets to the train station,’ was introduced in 2015 as a way for the state government to at least pretend that they care about regional NSW. However, some have questioned whether the name is accurate in regards to the physical speed of the train. Newcastle university student Tim Craft, who is currently undertaking a diploma in free throws, did a study of the train. “After several trips between Bathurst and Sydney aboard the ‘Bullet,’ I can most definitely confirm that at no point does the train approach the speed of a bullet, noting that a bullet fired from a handgun has an approximate speed of 768 m/s,” Mr Craft told the Eastern Advocate. “I have a serious mind to take the NSW government to task about this.” Eastern Advocate was unable to uncover any correlation between Mr Craft’s degree and the train study. “I guess it’s just cause I love trains, advertising and justice,” he said.

Local resident Mr Johnathon Johnson, who was embroiled in the saga concerning the disappearance of Kevin Rudd, has taken the service ‘Trainlink’ to court on a case of misrepresentation in advertising. However, Mr Johnson forgot the court date, and was found at home by Eastern Advocate reporters eating a teriyaki chicken Subway from one of Bathurst’s newest Subway stores. “Oh shit I forgot about that hey,” Mr Johnson commented. The NSW government and their lawyers breathed a sigh of relief at Mr Johnson’s absence, which was noted on the court transcript.

Thus the Bathurst Bullet continues its monotonous trudging over the Blue Mountains twice a day. The controversy was heightened by NSW Trainlink’s decision to completely halt the Bullet at several points during the journey in order to preserve fuel, which Mr Johnson called, “Completely bloody ridiculous.” They have also revealed plans to cover the lowered pensioner ticket costs by forcing passengers under the age of forty-two and eight months to get out at the Lithgow stop and push the train up Mt Victoria. “Look, I don’t mind getting a bit of exercise,” Mr Johnson said, “but this is getting out of hand. I’m certainly no bullet.”

Stay tuned for more.

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