In a turn of events that has riddled the Bathurst community with fear, gang warfare has broken out between the ‘Woolworths Waggers’ and the ‘Coles Cool Kidz’.
The warfare has caused absolute devastation in the Bathurst region, with the UN declaring the area a war zone, and many nations offering foreign aid support. It was believed the conflict was sparked by an argument between regular Coles shopper Meryl Guthrie and Woolworths loyal Francis McDonald, which occurred at the RSL’s weekly bingo night. Guthrie and McDonald, who had both been enjoying the complimentary sherry available on the night, quickly brought automatic weaponry into their fistfight, with Guthrie being heard saying, “Curtis Stone taught me how to cook dinner for $10!” McDonald retorted that “everyday rewards cards are the pinnacle of customer financial support!”
The RSL was soon decimated by the fighting, which polarised those in the bingo night and spilled out into the streets of Bathurst. Locals sound joined either side, roaming the streets and searching for potential enemies of the gang. Families were split apart, with local resident Mr Johnathon Johnson remarking, “I haven’t seen my wife in weeks. Apparently she’s grown a beard. Last time we talked she tried to stab me because I’d bought some mangos from Woolies.”
The Australian Defence Force has attempted to establish some form of control over the war-torn Bathurst region, but several of their fighter jets have been shot down by both the ‘Woolworths Waggers’ and the ‘Coles Cool Kidz’, led by McDonald and Guthrie respectively. The streets of Bathurst now echo with the war cries of the two gangs, with the Woolworths group often chanting “We’re the fresh food people,” and the Coles group screaming “Down down, prices are down.”
Although the brutality of the conflict has been apparent, foreign analysts predict that the fighting will only last for another few days, as McDonald requires his hearing aid batteries replaced, and Guthrie hasn’t walked her poodles in over a week. Needless to say, the Bathurst community will welcome any signs of peace in the area.