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The Eastern Advocate

The latest twist in the Western Advocate saga has been revealed, with the rapidly falling company now charging people for breathing near their office. The ludicrous revelation was discovered by a passerby, who was kidnapped by Western Advocate team members and then forced to fork out 50 cents per breath as he passed by their building.

The passerby, who asked to remain anonymous, said we could use his real name literally straight after he asked to remain anonymous. So we’ll just call him Johnathon Peters, because that is his name.

Mr Peters said that Western Advocate employees requested the money in cash, but when he said he didn’t have any cash on him, they pulled out an EFTPOS machine, and he paywaved each 50 cent breath.

Eastern Advocate was curious to discover if this was still happening, however we didn’t want to risk being charged for breathing. “It’s the worst newspaper and the most unethical business I have ever encountered,” said an EA spokesperson. “Saying that I’ve only read two newspapers. Still, the Eastern Advocate is lightyears ahead in its journalistic endeavours.”

It is believed that local police are investigating the matter and are currently interviewing Mr Peters, with further action to be taken if necessary, which it probably will be, knowing the Western Advocate’s track record.

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