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A Melbourne woman has scandalously revealed that she has not heard a single Michael Bublé Christmas song in her life. The woman, 64, is a retired children’s author, and goes by the pseudonym of Holden Magroin. It is believed that her books are widely known throughout the suburbs of Fitroy and St Kilda; however, the novels have not taken off in any other part of the state or country.

When the Eastern Advocate queried why Ms Magroin hadn’t listened to any of Bublé’s Christmas specials before, the woman’s response was fairly frank. “I’ve never heard of the bloke. When I first saw his name I didn’t even know how to pronounce it.” The woman, whose actual name is believed to be either Malcolm Turnbull or Beryl Palmer, lives with her partner Cecil Palmer in a cul-de-sac in the lesser-known north-eastern area of Brunswick.

Many residents of the Brunswick community were bitterly disappointed with Ms Palmer’s lack of Christmas spirit, highlighted by an angry mob of teens singing the words to “It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas” outside the Palmer residence early on Saturday morning. Most notably, however, was 26 year-old male Peter Johns, who enjoys participating in South African throat-humming in his spare time. Johns made his spite apparent to Eastern Advocate reporters. “I just don’t get it. This woman is a disgrace to the nation as far as I’m concerned. I’m out of here!”

Mr Johns is believed to be moving his belongings out of his North-Eastern Brunswick apartment on Thursday, meaning he will no longer have to put up with such disdainful behaviour from the community. Meanwhile, a local police officer said that the matter was being looked into by the local Tactical Operations Unit, to decide whether further action is necessary. It is believed that President Trump has contacted Foreign Affairs Minister Julie ‘I shouldn’t have sold ASC’ Bishop, and offered his condolences at this dark time in our nation’s history.

Bublé has also managed to have his say, taking to social media to express his frustrations. “This woman is a fu#%&ng lunatic!! Peace out Bubléheads <3.” It is believed that Bublé’s fans are organising a social media backlash to Mrs Palmer, which will include the hashtags #Wedon’twanttomeetheryet and #notfeelinggood. Facebook Chief Executive Mark Zuckerburg is also believed to be plotting revenge against Mrs Palmer by creating a Michael Bublé emoji. It replaces the words Christmas, joy and holiday spirit whenever a user types them with an exact replica of Bublé performing in New York at the 2014 Christmas Eve Concert.

Although the majority of the nation is largely outraged at Mrs Palmer’s shocking behaviour, the incident does raise the question of Michael Bublé’s hibernation. Upon being dragged out of the attic along with the tinsel and the candy canes, Bublé is often neglected by the nation who profess to love him. One man from Western Australia, Warren Hole, has recently come forward with a handwritten note which he claims to be from Bublé. The Eastern Advocate managed to obtain an extract:

Hello everyone, it’s Michael here. It was great to stretch my legs for a month at Christmas. It gets pretty cramped in the attic of the Beacon Theatre for the other eleven months of the year. I know I’m not in a position to ask for much, but I was wondering if this year I would be able to stay out till Valentine’s Day? I’ve forgotten what it feels like to wear shorts. Maybe if I’m lucky I could even meet my son. I’m sick of eating discarded candy canes from January to November.

However, considering the literacy levels of Western Australians, many claim that the note would have been indecipherable to Warren, and is simply a clever fraud by Mrs Palmer in an effort to escape the nation’s backlash. However, one question still remains: if Bublé isn’t performing his Christmas classics for ten months out of the year, where is he now?

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