AN EASTERN ADVOCATE EXCLUSIVE by Crom Taft
As the sun sets on another chilly Sydney evening, the nation once again has just one thing on its mind. What the hell has happened to Kevin Rudd?
It is believed that the last confirmed sighting of ‘Kevin 07’ was in late October, 2009. This means that he has been reportedly missing for close to 9 years. The last official sighting of Mr Rudd was made by Andrew ‘Drew’ McAndrewson-Andrews-McDonaldson-Smith. Mr McAndrewson-Andrews-McDonaldson-Smith captured some very grainy footage, similar to those videos of the panther sightings, of Kev having a bev in the back seat of his Chev with Fev (Brendon Fevola). Mr McAndrewson-Andrews-McDonaldson-Smith could not believe his eyes, so he whipped out his Nokia 500 (remember it was 2009) and did his best to take a reasonable video on the groundbreaking 2-and-a-half pixel display.
The public were shocked that Mr Rudd had befriended Mr Fevola, however it has been reported that the pair are actually childhood friends, and they met through their local Croquet club. Eastern Advocate managed to successfully locate the former manager of the club, Brian Thompson, who kindly chatted to us about Mr Rudd and Mr Fevola. “They were the two nicest people I have ever met! Apart from my mother and my grandmother on my dad’s side. My other grandma was a piece of work.”
Eastern Advocate reporters felt slightly threatened after Mr Thompson collected a knife from inside the club and began to curse about how his grandmother had been such a burden in his life. Thankfully, a passerby holding a ‘If you are in danger, come here’ sign, was able to rescue the two reporters.
We attempted to track down some close relatives of Mr Rudd; however, it seems that they have all gone off the grid as well in an attempt to keep Kevin’s location safe and unknown.
(N.B.: Mr Thompson was later arrested for supplying his pet kangaroo, ‘Skippy,’ with four metric tonnes of VB. Police issued a statement saying the run in with Eastern Advocate reporters was ‘an unrelated incident.’)